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Saul's Ipsism (Part 2) // Daniel Erickson


IN THE SUMMERS, I’d sometimes pass through the kitchen, in the morning, during breakfast, and it’d go something like:


“You see son, I’ve got like 50 things in here. Oats, wild honey, turmeric, all kinds of seeds - you name it.”


“But it's all complex carbs, which is what they say cause fat. If you’re trying to lose weight, you should eat eggs in the morning.”


“This has to be good for me. I might have 75 things in here. For my joints. And with the swimming I do in the morning…”


“Yeah bud that too, swimming isn’t supposed to be good for weight loss. It's not impact bearing, you’re not breathing that heavily, and you’re not sweating.”


“But it has to be, I get to loosen up my entire body, it wakes me up, it's cardio.”


“But you haven't lost any weight in the last 15 years.” I then point to the living room marriage portrait of he and his wife, the beer gut starting to rear its ugly head.


“Yeah but I’m doing it right now. Since my back surgery, I’m serious about this thing.”


“What about all the ice cream you hide in the outside freezer.”


The wind slams the heavy door between the kitchen and the garage, and Saul unmutes Atomic Facts as if cued.


The TV says, “Who coddled the American people for two terms to the point where they don’t know the difference between a hero and a traitor at a football game?”


“OBAMA!, OBAMA!”, with contempt for the world, Saul yells or cheerleads, all the same.


“This man is now accepting upwards of $100,000 to speak at individual engagements. Is this the president of redistribution, and the one percent? When we come back from break we’ll have seasoned guest from the liberal think tank, Egalitarianism Unbounded, Mr. Michael Poore.”


The TV freezes after Saul pushes the button with the two parallel lines.


“Ok son, I reeeally need your help today. It’ll just take 10 minutes. What are your plans after practice?”


Long inhale. As if my response has any autonomy before its spoken. “Ok, we might get breakfast after the run. Should be home by 10:30 or 11:00”


“Ok great, now that your brothers away at college, I’m going to need some help around here.” And we went our separate ways until our agreed upon time range of reckoning. When I returned home, he laid out the 600 second plan. He wanted to personally possess the entire archive of Fox News. He wanted the physical think tank to be accessed from somewhere in his household, rather than from somewhere out there. That’s when it all started.



AUTHOR

Daniel Erickson is a CPA living in Seattle, Washington.

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